Wednesday, March 12, 2014

"Here is the truth, so now you can hate me."

"Here is the truth, so now you can hate me.” One of my favourite lines from the movie Closer...

Lately I've been going through another growths-spurt, bowing in humility of all the things I did or said in pride...learning through experience that I don't know if people understand me who I am sometimes. Usually these clarifications are done in an effort to clear the air, to shed positive light about oneself, to make certain you are being understood in the manner in which you would like to be...

This is not that post. This is rather, a post about certain truths about me you may not know, or may not know that I know...and they're some of them ugly. Among the many discriptions put upon me in my life as an entertainer and a natural extrovert (which somehow always opens the floodgates to judgement-- good and bad), these are the top 8 words used to describe my personality:

Open Minded

These are mostly wonderful words, they are not words I chose that I think people think of me...these are words of many people I have come across in my time here on earth..

And the truth is...these are all traits I aspire to be...and the other truth is, I do not always live up to these. I accept these wonderful words, and despite my reception, I continue to fall short of them, while still letting those flags wave...

I feel like a lot of the time, I would like people to see those traits in me, raised at half-mast...because it sets me up to leave no room for error. Except for being stubborn!

Here are some truths I will give to you, that may dispel my wisdom, my positivity, my humour, my confidence, my talent, my loveliness, and my open-mindedness; and I’m okay with that.

:: I speak up before I really should. I think I have all the information, and know of what I speak...but I don't a lot of the time. I jump the gun and make bad judgement calls.

:: I'm actually a snarky bitch. My love for reason, logic, and respect becomes clouded sometimes with that little hood part of me in the back of my mind, saying something to the extent of: "dis biiiiiiitch...."

:: Speaking of dis know the term "No she didn't!"....yes....yes I did. #iwentthere

:: I will suggest one behave a certain way, because that is the way *I* would. intentions are good...because these are ways that I have found work for me. When I hear someone complaining about the littlest thing, I tell them something like "just don't react, it'll pass-- in the grand scheme, it's not a big deal" and while that is constructive feedback, sometimes people don't want that. I am not one to not speak what I feel is right...but I know sometimes people just need to get it out...and I have to let that go. 

:: I struggle with people who cheat on their partners. Despite the reasoning...I have a hard time with it and it's not for me to have a hard time with.

:: The flip side is, is that when I FIRST started dating Tim, we were just getting to know one another...but we were very much "together" (It sort of just happened from the moment we met) 
About a month or so into it, an old love of mine...I mean, I had a FIRE for this man-- anyway, he invited me out after work, and I ended up kissing him. We laid together in the same bed that nite, but we just snuggled, being the boy he is, he pushed for something further and while I had always desired that with him...I could not bring myself to do anything but kiss him, and he was very respectful of that.  In the morning I told him I just couldn't...that for years I wanted him, but now I found a man that was falling madly in love with, and that I thought my budding relationship with him deserved a chance (best decision I've ever made).  That was the very first and last time I have ever done something anywhere near cheating. While I don't suffer any regret, as it was a relationship that I already had a bit of comfort in, having known this other man for years now; I do suffer a bit of guilt...even though it solidified just how much I really believed in my relationship with Tim, I hate that I let myself taint my record, over the boy who was the reason I actually met Tim. (He stood me up, and so I decided to go to a house party with a friend...and boom: TIM!)

:: Sometimes I like to get ready to Iggy Azaleas "Murda Bizness" . . . because I'm an alpha female.

::I believe in God, I love the Bible...but I will probably always listen to some rap songs that are pretty ridiculous (like Murda Bizness) ....and I like to swear. And I enjoy the ganja. (which isn't necessarily against the Bibles teachings at all, but it just doesn't seem to be popular in the Christian community).

:: I believe the Bible is an amazing book-- but I have a hard time taking it literally. God, who created this infinite world of possibilities, who created us each with all this unique expression, wants us to take ONE book literally. He wants us all to believe exactly the same way. Not when this book can be sold in stores by man. And not when I see it constantly used as a place of power and not faith. I will always live in my relationship with God....and not by the rules he may or may not have inspired for another generation of people. I will always allow the Bible to guide me though. It is my self-help and guidance book.
::I'm not literally "racist" as I don't believe that some races are superior to others, but I guess I'm a culturalist...that is to say there are some cultures I don't really like and, frankly, could name a few that I think are better. If I can be honest here.
:: Among my brown and "tan" friends, I use the term "White People Shit." ...this isn't toward white people as a a skin colour...when we say white, we mean the behaviour. I understand that if white people said "that's brown people shit" ...well..we'd be okay with that I think...but I understand that if white people said "That's black people shit"'d probably get shanked.

::Yes, I do double standards

::Yes, I think that a healthy lifestyle, self reflection,  acceptance, and having God can heal depression. I feel this personally because my way of dealing with that was taking a sharp point to my skin and cutting it open, feeling the pain, and watching myself bleed. I never been so sad in my life and I never intend to go back ever again.

:: Yes, I can shop at goodwill/bargain hunt better than you

:: I can't date a dude who loves heavy metal the way I love soul, jazz, funk, or hip hop. 

::In that same vain, I can’t date a man who is Godless. 

:: If soul music  doesn't do anything for you, chances are I won't trust you. I will base my whole judgement on wether you are trustworthy, if you don't like or enjoy soul music. #sorrynotsorry

:: Yes, I believe a woman should know how to cook and clean...not that if you don't, you're not a woman...but I think that something we should be able to accomplish (Men as well honestly).

:: Yes I think a GOOD woman cooks and cleans, and doesn't give lip to her man. That's not to say that if a man was talking shit, she should just keep quiet. But a Good woman would know to pick a GOOD strong man.

:: Reverse wise, I think a GOOD man doesn't talk down to his woman ever. He holds her when she needs comforting and puts his foot down when she is out of line. Most of all, I think he RESPECTS and ADMIRES her.

:: I feel that if you are convicted, WITH PROOF (DNA, Confession...) of raping someone, you get wiped out.

:: I feel that if you molest or rape a child, you should get wiped out.  

:: Yes, I think that being on unemployment for 2 years is bullshit. I know many people who have done it and I've loved it for them, but I don't think it is what should be allowed in our country.

:: Yes, I think that welfare should be granted for 6 months (with exceptions to extentions), and in that time, you get your shit together and find a job.

:: If you don't WANT to work for the man, you don't just get 2 years unemployment to do whatever you want. That is for YOU to fund. You find a job or you become an entrepreneur. 

:: The truth is, I believe women and men were NOT created equally. I am all for equal respect and to be all treated fairly but when it comes down to the tangible level, men are a different beast from women. Women are internally what men are externally.

:: Yes I believe that weed is a far better substance than Alcohol and should be decriminalised

:: I believe that how you view the world and other people in general, it is a reflection of self.

:: I personally, for me, would like some brown babies
:: Yes, I believe the majority of History as we know it, is bullshit. #HISstory

:: Yes, I believe that evolution exist. And I think you can believe that and God simultaneously.
:: Among all my huge and wildest dreams, being a mother, a wife and a family woman is at the top.

And these are some of my truths.
Cheers xx

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